the rain the rain the rain the rain the rain the rain the rain the rain the rain the rain the rain the rain -

(woke up with familiar friends in my head - wish they'd go away - i do hate to feel so worthless before nine a.m. - dreamed restlessly and found rupert III crumpled on the floor when i woke - )

and the dark sky, the dark clouds, the dark rain, the dark -

(wish they'd go away)

Caffeine does it for me like nothing else in the world, oh yes indeed. (Can't heal the rain-induced ache in my knees, though.)

Dressed in linen and corduroy and leather, the things I like best. Wore the only shoes with heels that I have to hit the six-foot mark. I feel like a force now, something to be reckoned with.

And I love this song.

I don't know what to make of the album, though. I'm not used to liking a Tori album so quickly; they usually take months to seep in and work themselves out. Her music has always been an acquired taste for me (that is, of course, the best kind, the lasting kind) and it's strange to hear music she didn't write herself. Most of the songs I'm not familiar with, so I don't even know where the original's influence ends and Tori's singular style takes over.

The house was sold yesterday. It's done. I don't quite know what to make of that. Fall break will be my last time there. Thanksgiving I'll spend in a completely unfamiliar place.

I can't go home next summer. I can't spend another four months in that role, child-but-not, sinking inward and looking for escape. It's my last chance for an internship of some sort, anyway.

I want to go to Santa Fe.

A Kindness

Where did we stop? In dead summer, that is
male, yellow. You stripped into that glare
of live gold.
It was like living in gold to try to touch you.
It was as if you were day.

Nothing of this is true, but will you
let me have it, Imaginary?

The laugh, confidence, the symmetrical clean
body capable of itself, so being body
as to be naked even to the hands. Will you give me that?

Because even if it is not true, I need
something now to look back into, in order to say:
I have been sudden in the sun's perfection,
I have had blood rise like light,
my hands have answered,
my memory is a bush of grown flame.

It is a kindness you can do me, to have been there
at the centre of summer, yourself the attack of summer,
and to have made all that light out of being young.

I need to have loved you. I need to have told you so.

(-William Dickey)


JESUS.

That last line suckerpunches me every time, but it is these two lines - "It was like living in gold to try to touch you. It was as if you were day" that absolutely destroy me.

Time to go a-malling. I need to buy pajamas, soft things. Comfort things.