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don't stop confiding in the road you're on, don't quit, you're walking satellites
A fairly productive weekend, in that I slept a lot, caught up on reading, and learned that my mother, as one of the top fifteen in her company, was going to Italy and taking me with her.
I've never been to Europe, and I'm still a little stunned.
Sadly this means I can't drive to California with L again, which I was really thinking I would have done otherwise, regardless of the financial impracticality of it. Last year was amazing and it's so hard for me to say no to a chance to see the desert. Utah is everything that amazes me and every quiet open place I dream about, and I want very badly to go back. I want more than two days though. I want a month, a year. I could even do forever.
Though I'd rather be a nomad.
I wish I'd been raised differently sometimes. It just isn't in me to be comfortable anywhere but home, wherever home may be. If I were someone else - if I were the dream me I've always wished I could be - I'd take this next year as a chance, maybe my last real chance, to be young and wandering and free. I'd drift and I'd work and I wouldn't need the plan, the safety, the security, those things I'm so dependent upon. I would work on a ranch in Montana the way I always say I want to, and when I was tired of that I'd go to Utah and be a waitress at a truck stop and spend my days off surviving, or learning to, hiking alone in that redrock land.
I have moments, even whole days, when I think I can do it, when if I weren't less than three months from my college degree I believe I could throw it all to the wind and do something spontaneous and risky for the first time ever. But it always passes, and I always map out the next steps, plan on something safe.
I'm still doing it. Law school is a little different - it's risky because I'm afraid of it, because it might be a huge mistake but I'm determined to do it anyway, because I'll be living in a city - but it's also a stable thing, it's a decision made, it's a path to a career of respectability and financial stability. Next year is still a blank, I know only that I need to take LSATs and apply to schools and work and minimally support myself. But I could do that anywhere and doing almost anything. The wise thing would be to do something involving criminal law - work in a DA's office or in a victim assistance capacity or some such thing - because it'll Look Good and it'll give me an idea of whether criminal law is truly what I want to pursue.
But I could do so much else. It could be amazing but I'm stuck on the terror of it. God I wish I could get over it. There's nothing I want more than to be self-sufficient in as many ways possible, and a little confidence in myself would be fucking great, and I can sometimes see how close I am to getting on the right road for all of that. It's just a matter of getting over this wall - which is much higher than it looks.
And I'm afraid of heights.
I've never been to Europe, and I'm still a little stunned.
Sadly this means I can't drive to California with L again, which I was really thinking I would have done otherwise, regardless of the financial impracticality of it. Last year was amazing and it's so hard for me to say no to a chance to see the desert. Utah is everything that amazes me and every quiet open place I dream about, and I want very badly to go back. I want more than two days though. I want a month, a year. I could even do forever.
Though I'd rather be a nomad.
I wish I'd been raised differently sometimes. It just isn't in me to be comfortable anywhere but home, wherever home may be. If I were someone else - if I were the dream me I've always wished I could be - I'd take this next year as a chance, maybe my last real chance, to be young and wandering and free. I'd drift and I'd work and I wouldn't need the plan, the safety, the security, those things I'm so dependent upon. I would work on a ranch in Montana the way I always say I want to, and when I was tired of that I'd go to Utah and be a waitress at a truck stop and spend my days off surviving, or learning to, hiking alone in that redrock land.
I have moments, even whole days, when I think I can do it, when if I weren't less than three months from my college degree I believe I could throw it all to the wind and do something spontaneous and risky for the first time ever. But it always passes, and I always map out the next steps, plan on something safe.
I'm still doing it. Law school is a little different - it's risky because I'm afraid of it, because it might be a huge mistake but I'm determined to do it anyway, because I'll be living in a city - but it's also a stable thing, it's a decision made, it's a path to a career of respectability and financial stability. Next year is still a blank, I know only that I need to take LSATs and apply to schools and work and minimally support myself. But I could do that anywhere and doing almost anything. The wise thing would be to do something involving criminal law - work in a DA's office or in a victim assistance capacity or some such thing - because it'll Look Good and it'll give me an idea of whether criminal law is truly what I want to pursue.
But I could do so much else. It could be amazing but I'm stuck on the terror of it. God I wish I could get over it. There's nothing I want more than to be self-sufficient in as many ways possible, and a little confidence in myself would be fucking great, and I can sometimes see how close I am to getting on the right road for all of that. It's just a matter of getting over this wall - which is much higher than it looks.
And I'm afraid of heights.