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I always remember too late why I like the idea of winter so much more than winter itself. The world shrinks when it hurts to be outside, when the color palette fades to greyscale, when the capricious wind and snowheavy clouds dampen the appeal of impromtu aimless drives to nowhere special.
I guess in winter even this little loner gets lonely. but then we all know I'm not half the loner I like to pretend I am.
I feel the lack of a peer group keenly here in nowhere new hampshire, it's a new situation and one I have absolutely no idea how to deal with. Except to envy all the friends who have access to that still. Though envy is too kind a word. Jealousy, thick and bitter and shameful, is more accurate.
But this week I am an emotional ping pong ball. I feel abandoned and needy and guilty and irrational. Feelings I loathe. Every other hour it seems there's been that dreadful rush of heat to my face, the burning behind my space heater-dried eyes, the sudden shaky breaths. I don't want to cry about any of this. I feel like the weak one. I spend so much time running towards and away I'm effectively just chasing my tail. Maybe one day I'll make up my mind. Or just learn not to care.
I guess in winter even this little loner gets lonely. but then we all know I'm not half the loner I like to pretend I am.
I feel the lack of a peer group keenly here in nowhere new hampshire, it's a new situation and one I have absolutely no idea how to deal with. Except to envy all the friends who have access to that still. Though envy is too kind a word. Jealousy, thick and bitter and shameful, is more accurate.
But this week I am an emotional ping pong ball. I feel abandoned and needy and guilty and irrational. Feelings I loathe. Every other hour it seems there's been that dreadful rush of heat to my face, the burning behind my space heater-dried eyes, the sudden shaky breaths. I don't want to cry about any of this. I feel like the weak one. I spend so much time running towards and away I'm effectively just chasing my tail. Maybe one day I'll make up my mind. Or just learn not to care.