ivyology | (no subject)

In his commencement address to Stanford's graduating class, Apple CEO Steve Jobs reminisced about the time, many years ago, when he was sacked by the company he started. "It turned out that getting fired was the best thing that could have happened to me," he said. "The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life." In telling you this, Gemini, I am definitely not predicting that you will lose your job. My purpose is to encourage you to cultivate the frame of mind Jobs described. Here's another angle on the perspective I hope you'll make into your permanent modus operandi: "In times of change, learners inherit the earth," wrote Eric Hoffer, "while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists."

I don't know what I'm doing anymore!

I realized today that I feel eternally poised on the edge of failure. I'm a perfectionist in denial, an overachiever so aware of my limitations I have to keep myself mired in mediocrity and pretend I don't care, because otherwise I'll kill myself.

That or I need to feel like I make a goddamned difference. Everyone in this goddamn city has seen too much of the same shit and they're all just numb to it. And I guess that's necessary, I understand it, but I can't do it. I hate it. I love this city but I don't know if I can work in it. I'm disillusioned with the agency I'm working for. They're all too young, too new, too blase. And sloppy and disorganized and just - AHHHHHHHH.

I went to law school for this and if I can't do this than why am I in law school?

What am I DOING?

I feel frustrated, and lost.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You CAN do this! Their attitude doesn't have to be your attitude. Yeah it will be frustrating working with people who pretend to be victim's rights advocates, but in reality just want the "coolness" that they think working for a public interest NGO gives them, and couldn't give two shits about the actual victims. But if you worked in a different type of law, or even a different career entirely, you would still find the same asshole people who have jobs they don't care about. Hon, YOU actually care...and that makes you so much better than all those pretenders. And if you were to quit law school and do something else entirely, you'd just be doing something you don't care about...and could end up being like one of your apathetic colleagues.

Or it could just be that they're not actually blase; they care deeply but the sheer volume of horrors they see forces them to develop a coping mechanism. And you can't fault them for that. I saw an alleged rape victim testify in court a few weeks back and was tormented all night long with thoughts of someone breaking in to my apartment and raping me.

Anyway, the point is, you can't let your co-workers determine whether you like a certain career path. If there's one thing I've learned in law school it's that most other law students suck big-time, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to be a lawyer.

i agree with dangerkitty entirely. also, i will add this side-note:

the vanity fair horoscope of this month for gemini said something to effect of: "now's the time to find a job doing what you love- you CAN make a living doing something you care about." so there! if you care about something, for god's sake make money doing it. then you will know that you are fulfilling your ambition to make a difference, and you should feel grateful that someone is willing to pay you for it as well. so, nevermind those wankers. as long as they are willing to fight the cause with you, you can all help each other....

Very well said. My mother used to tell us when we were kids... "Its ok. You're all right - the worlds all wrong!". Its true, too! There are so many drones in this world searching for and doing all of the wrong things. Life IS what you make of it. Thats why I'm going back to school - to make a difference in my life and do it they way I think is right.

First, one off-topic thing: I watched "Before Sunset" last night, and nearly fell out of my chair at the last lines. How awesome that you picked that line for your bio. Brilliant.

Secondly: people who suck, either because they're lazy or afraid or frustrated or leading lives of quiet desperation, are a part of life. Most of them can't get themselves out of the rut they've built for themselves. Their lives haven't turned out the way they expected and they don't know who to blame or how to fix it, so they basically go dead and stop paying attention to what they want.

You're not one of those people. This will make life frustrating for you throughout your life. The good part, of course, is that you're NOT one of those people, and that you'll continue to adapt and change and grow and figure out to make your life and your environment the way you want it to be. You might decide to go to work for yourself. But you'll figure it out.

You're lost right now. That's OK. BE LOST. Look around, pay attention, allow yourself to feel your fear and then sift through to find what's real fear and what's just panic. Fear can be helpful - it shows you where you're concerned about weaknesses or danger. Panic is just chaos. Use this time to sharpen your ability to discern the two.

Look at others and realize what you *don't* want to become. Pursue ways to ensure that won't happen. Develop a group to change things. Ghandi said you must be the change you wish to see in the world. Be that for yourself, not for them, but do that.

Believe in yourself. Listen to yourself. You know what to do, deep down. Just listen. Relax. Learn to be at peace with being uncertain and frustrated. That doesn't mean you accept it, it means you learn from it.

Finally, in the cancer wing where I sometimes work is a plaque that reads,

When I feel most detroyed
I am about to grow.

Breathe deep. Relax. And grow, baby, grow. :)