I had a long conversation with my mother last night, the sort that she and I haven't had in many years. About a lot of things, but mostly what I'm afraid of, and how those fears affect my ability to do things. Until I started listing them, I don't think I'd quite realized how many things scare me.

I hate that fear holds me back. I hate that there seems to be so little I can do about it. I can suck it up and do things that scare me, but only for so long, and that's why the big things never get done - I fear that halfway through, the energy, willpower, whatever, will run out.

I've stopped worrying about the future as much as I used to, but I think that's because I've let my "planning" instincts drift entirely into the realm of fantasy. I'm tired of dreaming, I want some doing. And I wish there were something tangible and concrete that I could "do" so I would immediately know I was "doing" and feel the instant gratification of progress.

What is progress? Do we progress or evolve, as individuals? Neither, perhaps. I don't think I've progressed or evolved; I think I liked the person I was two years ago a hell of a lot more than the person I am now. She, at least, truly believed that her dreaming would naturally turn to doing, one day.

Those are the only thoughts currently coherent enough to put in words. There are more, many, many more, unfortunately. I am grateful, at any rate, to have the time and solitude to think them, and think them through, or try to, anyway.

My mother said all she wanted for Mother's Day was for me to go to church with her, so, kind and loving daughter that I am, I did. I think I've grown more cynical on the Christianity front, which I find rather sad. It's been years since I considered myself even remotely Christian, but I'd never felt any sort of hostility towards the religion. It's not hostility I feel now, it's more - contempt. Which I really shouldn't be feeling, since it's not as though I've got any better theory on spirituality. I'm not anything, I'm not even an atheist; that would require too much effort and conviction. Astronomy - I think astronomy is my religion. Learning about the universe was the closest thing to spirituality that I've ever felt, so I'll stick to that.

First, my horoscope, because I forgot about it until about 3 seconds ago:

"In the months we've been working on your therapy, I wonder if we've ever gotten you to master the fine art of tying up loose ends? We'll soon see. There's a certain drama that needs to come to a definitive end, but forces are conspiring behind the scenes to keep it on life-support in a fuzzy, limbo-like state. I urge you to attend to every last boring detail to make sure it's completely resolved. Any business you leave up in the air now will only come back to haunt you later, probably when you least expect it."

Thanks, Rob

I have done nothing of any interest since I updated last. I've watched three old Roswell's, because I was nostalgic for the early days. You know, back when the characters had consistency and the plots a point. Also, to brace myself for the last two episodes, which I fear will be disappointing, and the highly probable chance that by the end of the week, Roswell will be officially canceled, and will have no knight-in-shining-armor, aka UPN, coming to its rescue.

I've listened to this cd so many times... but only here. I seldom listen to Fiona at school, but at home, I can't stop. I suspect it has something to do with memory, with the memories that pervade this cd, of junior and senior year of high school, of my discovery of chick music, of the strange brand of happiness I had then.

Sometimes I really hate memory. It's intoxicating, and it's misleading; it makes me long for things I know, deep down, I never really had. But it tricks me into believing I had them, and in the now, the absence of them, the loss, is acute.

I'm not really unhappy right now, although every word I write is making me sound as though I am. I'm just - hell, I don't know what I am. Thinking too much. Or too little; there's a surprisingly fine line between the two.

Maybe I'm thinking of the wrong things. I work out all of these thoughts, or I think that I do, at least - I write them down and that gives them shape, makes them seem final. But maybe they're better off indistinct; they change too easily, after all, and tomorrow I could have a completely different view on whatever "conclusions" I reach today. How the hell am I supposed to understand anything when everything's so subjective? It's really kind of annoying.

I haven't driven yet, because the battery in my car is dead. I find that problematic - the battery is always dying if it isn't driven for a few days, which doesn't exactly inspire confidence in the reliability of the damn thing. Mom can't jump start it, either, which means I have to call my father and have him come and do it, and I just love asking him for help with things. Ha. Still, I really want to go places tomorrow, so I suppose I have no choice.

Paternal unit came, and car battery was jumped. After, to get the battery charged up, I went for a drive, in the general direction of the lake - always one of my favorite random routes, especially this time of year. When everything's green and the sun is positioned just right, everything (everything) is breathtaking.

It made me very happy, the drive. There is much beauty in the world, in the strangest and smallest of places, and it's enough for everyone to live on. Everything will be all right.

I had an overwhelming urge to photograph it; truly stunning shots kept appearing and I didn't want to just let them fade into that damn memory of mine. Tomorrow evening, before Roswell, I think I'll do it. I've got to use up the roll of color film anyway, and I think I'll buy a roll of black and white when I go out tomorrow. I always prefer to use both with landscape shots, for contrast. It's the learning experience, or what have you.

I need to buy something. Preferably not a cd, although I'm always inherently inclined to make all purchases cd's. Regardless, I'll try to be strong and buy something different for a change.