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"another sunday, another one-way road away from home...I keep thinking that one day, I'm gonna wake
I had a long conversation with my mother last night, the sort that she and I haven't had in many years. About a lot of things, but mostly what I'm afraid of, and how those fears affect my ability to do things. Until I started listing them, I don't think I'd quite realized how many things scare me.
I hate that fear holds me back. I hate that there seems to be so little I can do about it. I can suck it up and do things that scare me, but only for so long, and that's why the big things never get done - I fear that halfway through, the energy, willpower, whatever, will run out.
I've stopped worrying about the future as much as I used to, but I think that's because I've let my "planning" instincts drift entirely into the realm of fantasy. I'm tired of dreaming, I want some doing. And I wish there were something tangible and concrete that I could "do" so I would immediately know I was "doing" and feel the instant gratification of progress.
What is progress? Do we progress or evolve, as individuals? Neither, perhaps. I don't think I've progressed or evolved; I think I liked the person I was two years ago a hell of a lot more than the person I am now. She, at least, truly believed that her dreaming would naturally turn to doing, one day.
Those are the only thoughts currently coherent enough to put in words. There are more, many, many more, unfortunately. I am grateful, at any rate, to have the time and solitude to think them, and think them through, or try to, anyway.
My mother said all she wanted for Mother's Day was for me to go to church with her, so, kind and loving daughter that I am, I did. I think I've grown more cynical on the Christianity front, which I find rather sad. It's been years since I considered myself even remotely Christian, but I'd never felt any sort of hostility towards the religion. It's not hostility I feel now, it's more - contempt. Which I really shouldn't be feeling, since it's not as though I've got any better theory on spirituality. I'm not anything, I'm not even an atheist; that would require too much effort and conviction. Astronomy - I think astronomy is my religion. Learning about the universe was the closest thing to spirituality that I've ever felt, so I'll stick to that.
I hate that fear holds me back. I hate that there seems to be so little I can do about it. I can suck it up and do things that scare me, but only for so long, and that's why the big things never get done - I fear that halfway through, the energy, willpower, whatever, will run out.
I've stopped worrying about the future as much as I used to, but I think that's because I've let my "planning" instincts drift entirely into the realm of fantasy. I'm tired of dreaming, I want some doing. And I wish there were something tangible and concrete that I could "do" so I would immediately know I was "doing" and feel the instant gratification of progress.
What is progress? Do we progress or evolve, as individuals? Neither, perhaps. I don't think I've progressed or evolved; I think I liked the person I was two years ago a hell of a lot more than the person I am now. She, at least, truly believed that her dreaming would naturally turn to doing, one day.
Those are the only thoughts currently coherent enough to put in words. There are more, many, many more, unfortunately. I am grateful, at any rate, to have the time and solitude to think them, and think them through, or try to, anyway.
My mother said all she wanted for Mother's Day was for me to go to church with her, so, kind and loving daughter that I am, I did. I think I've grown more cynical on the Christianity front, which I find rather sad. It's been years since I considered myself even remotely Christian, but I'd never felt any sort of hostility towards the religion. It's not hostility I feel now, it's more - contempt. Which I really shouldn't be feeling, since it's not as though I've got any better theory on spirituality. I'm not anything, I'm not even an atheist; that would require too much effort and conviction. Astronomy - I think astronomy is my religion. Learning about the universe was the closest thing to spirituality that I've ever felt, so I'll stick to that.
no subject
as you know, i feel the need to give you my opinion on matters, and the whole fear thing is something i'm rather familiar with. from my own personal experience, i would say that the more small scary things you do, the more prepared you are for long-term ones. in short: practice, with the attitude that nothing matters and that all experiences have an inherent value in and of themselves. of course, i am terrified of most things, ie- the rest of my life. but, one must take small steps. london to me is a small step (horrified as i may be)- a sort of preview of one path i can take. it's still scary, but i think the scariest part is thinking about it. once i go there and live it, the fear will become handle-able and eventually disappear.
i'm reminded of a card i saw downtown the last day i was at school, waiting for my parents. i almost bought it, actually, 'cause i thought of you. it was something like: "do at least one thing every day that scares you." so, there it is.